First of all I’d like to apologise for taking so long to get back to everyone. It’s been at least a month or two and I have an email inbox full to the brim with these questions. Please accept my apologies, I’m usually on the ball but I have my son at home because of covid-19. I’ll get these rattled off as quick as I can.
Ok, on with the show:
My first question from anonymous:
I have dated this guy for five years, he loves me more than I love him, am not sexually attracted to him, I got tired of the relationship and so we broke up, it’s four months now and he’s been asking me to come back that he wants me back, I don’t feel anything for him and I don’t know what to do because he’s a really good guy
First of all, hi there! Thanks for writing in. I’m going to assume you’re a woman and start off from that premise.
So I have conversations with my wife about this all the time. Women, they just want to be friends, and guys, well, they just want to date and have sex. That’s the crux of it really.
Before my wife met me she had a few man friends that hung around her and had frequently showed their love interest in her and well, she just wasn’t interested. What she WAS interested in was their friendship though because like you said yourself, they were really decent guys and she didn’t want to lose that connection she had with them — she valued their friendships. I mean I get it, I definitely try and hear it from a woman’s perspective always.
But this is our trap right? Especially decent guys. How bad would you feel if you were to get rid of us because we were such decent guys. I doubt most of us men are aware that sometimes we do that but this is how we maintain clinging distance. You like us as friends, and you don’t want to rid yourself of us — so we get to maintain closeness.
This sounds really bad but I doubt most men are aware that we do this, especially when we want to come across as good, decent guys. Because, you know, most of us are good decent guys.
So the options for you would be to get back together with him. A life of incompleteness, is that what you want? I don’t think so. I always try and tell people to build on their relationships, and if you’ve been trying for five years then you’ve definitely stood the test of time.
You could keep him as a friend because you know, he’s a decent guy. But then that will hurt his chances of moving on and getting with someone that finds him attractive and wants to be with him. Honestly? Again, this sounds cruel but it is what it is. Life isn’t easy.
Or you could let him go. Stop answering his texts, calls, whatever — put enough distance between both of you that he can grieve and move on. Who knows, he may even be around in future. Or he’ll call you a bitch and cuss you out a little, then eventually move on.
It sucks, I know, because women, they like men, especially decent men, and it’s hard to let us go — but sometimes you have to. For your own sake and his.
I’ll tell you a story. There were several women that I had my eyes on. They didn’t have any interest in me but they kept me around because I was a decent guy. I listened to their problems, I was there to help, you know, I was a stand up kid. But they’d always say no to dating me — and you know that’s fair play, their choice.
But keeping me around stopped me from moving on. Once I detached myself from it all, and moved on in my own way I eventually met the woman of my dreams, and here we are, 12 years married with a lovely boy. Happy as ever.
Don’t let a decent guy get in the way of your dreams.
And vice versa.
Hope that helps! :) Feel free to comment underneath :)